Showing Up When On The Verge Of Tears

Yesterday was challenging.

To be honest, I felt like my mind was being challenged every day of the holidays, but not in the doing-a-Wordle-or-puzzle kind of way. More like, trying to stay sane in a swirl of news and events fashion.

And, it felt like the attack that happened on January 1, 2025 was the proverbial "last straw" for me. 

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At least 14 killed, dozens hurt on Bourbon Street in New Orleans as driver intentionally slams truck into crowd; attacker dead - CBS News

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But, January 6th was the first day back at the library for the ESL program where I volunteer. (Strange how I can't even think of the word January 6th without thinking about that other attack. And as much as I was looking forward to seeing everyone again, I felt nauseated, tired and panicky. Sleep didn't come easily the night before, so I was also lacking proper rest which is a trigger for me. 

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4 years after Jan. 6 insurrection, Kamala Harris certifies Trump's election win - ABC News

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First step: Drink water and just eat a little something. 

Second step: Wash face, brush teeth, brush hair, get dressed. 

Third step: Stretch. Drink more water.

Fourth step: Breathe, breathe again. 

Fifth step: Drive to the library with your badge in hand and smile on your face.

Sixth step: ... ...............

Seventh step: Go sign in and say hello to everyone and answer questions about your holidays. Be sure to smile the whole time. Don't you dare let anyone even think anything is wrong. 

Eighth step: No. I'm doing this. I am not leaving because I feel like I may be dying. No.

Ninth step: You realize it's best to tell someone that you aren't feeling exactly...peppy. When you see the program director, pull her aside, muster all the courage you have to be honest and tell her you're feeling very anxious and may not be able to stay the entire lesson. The faintest hint of your eyes begin to tear up, but not one falls. 

Tenth step: Sit at the front table where you can escape if necessary, and somehow end up getting your three familiar students from Japan, Iran and Russia and one of them starts cracking jokes which makes you genuinely smile. Then you start laughing at seeing a video of the Russia's polar plunge(!)

Eleventh step: The lesson starts and you feel anxious, wondering if you can sit for the entire 1 hour and 45 minutes. Iran smiles at you. You genuinely smile back. Your breathing slows. Columbia stops by to introduce herself and you tell her you're glad she's here and welcome to the program! 

Twelfth step: During the break Iran will show you photos of his new grandbaby and he'll be so proud. There are cookies and people talking all around you and you take a deep breath. Japan tells you about his new internship and he'll Google what black eyed peas look like since you say it's a tradition to eat them at the new year for good luck. 

Thirteenth step: The program director announces today's lesson is over and you smile and say goodbye to your day's students. "See you next week!" 

Fourteenth step: You help clean up and rearrange the tables back and the program director walks over and asks how you're doing and you say, "I made it." and smile. She smiles and I hug her and tell her thank you. She gives further words of encouragement and says to go home. Rest. 

Fifteenth step: Sign out, take off your badge and walk to the car. Get in and let out a huge sigh. Drive home and smile to yourself.