I Went To Get A Portrait Done. (A Short Story)
The only time the photographer has available is at 6:50am which means I need to be there at 6:35am to get ready. I try rescheduling but their assistant says its either "Friday at 6:50am or wait until December." She's very busy.
I set my alarm for 6am.
I go to sleep on Thursday night, taking half an Ambien to ensure rest will visit: it does but only slightly. Whenever I have a super-early appointment I tend to have a hard time falling asleep, staying asleep then waking up in a panic thinking I didn't hear the alarm. I wake up at 3am, and then can't fall back asleep. We just watched the movie Singles the night prior and the song Dyslexic Heart is stuck in my head and it will not leave. I just lay there with this song playing over and over, it drives me nuts. At some point I fall back into a slumber and have a weird dream about a boss I once had and our office is located in an abandoned mall and there is a difficulty of choosing what to wear to work each day.
Friday
Waking up in a panic, I check my phone. It's 5:59am.
I force my body out of bed, already surging with adrenaline. I'm not excited for this photo. There is a feeling of disassociation, and a dream-like stumbling to get dressed, brushing my teeth and not brushing my hair. I drink some water and head out.
The weather is misty and the sun hasn't fully risen yet, so there's a greenish-grey cast to everything like in that movie The Ring (have you seen it? It's still my favorite scary movie.) Quintessential Seattle look and feel. But it's still August, I whisper to myself. Knowing that we have sun in August and most of September is what gets me through the dark and rainy winters here. I make a mental note to purchase more vitamin D and am reminded of how fall is coming and the darkness will start to arrive earlier in the day.
I remember a word from a book I was reading the night before: crepuscule. And then thoughts of endings and curtain falls and windows closing appear as images. Or am I dreaming this?
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| Self-portrait. 2022. |
I sleep-walk my way to the parking garage, masking up then following the maze into the hospital and down to the center. At the check-in counter a woman, unmasked, asked me to fill out a form. It has a lovely perfect image of breasts on it. So symmetrical. I am envious of the form's lovely lady lumps. Finishing the form, I sit there and wait in a sort of daze. It's 6:46am. There are no windows in this basement-like health center.
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| Artist: Unknown. |
The photographer comes out and asks me my name and date of birth. I tell her and my voice is a bit froggy sounding. She hands me a warm hospital gown and directs me to a changing room. "Put this on, open in the front and the waiting room is around the corner." While changing into the gown I notice the mirror in there only allows you to see your head, not your boobs.
I go to the waiting room and there's new age music playing and some type of aquarium DVD playing on a huge TV screen. There's also a stack of paper cups and a water dispenser and tea bags. I stare at it all for three seconds before the photographer comes to get me.
Walking into her studio, the camera looks huge, and overqualified to take photos. It reminds me of a Transformer, except uniform in color and a little more sleek looking. "Stand a little more to the left facing me, scoot a little forward." "Now turn and take two tiny steps to the left, oh, a little to the right, hold your breath." While this is happening, and my breasts are being handled, the huge gown completely slides off me and and it's caught on my waist; barely. Am thinking actually using the ties properly would have helped, but my no-caffeine-yet brain didn't register this before 7am.
After the boobie-portrait-shuffle I go back and change into my clothes and am actually able to find my car quickly in the parking garage. Driving home I have all kinds of plans to get stuff done and upload photos from my camera and do laundry. The sun is trying to peek out and it's no longer so quiet outside. Inside the house the coffee maker is still turned off. It's 7:24am.
In the back of my mind I'm already anxious to get the results, but was told it will take seven days (just like in The Ring!) But, am refusing to dwell on it like I normally do. I will be productive(!) I make the coffee, eat toast, check emails and scroll through the news. I'm going to get it all done today!
.
.
.
11:33am - ... but I just came in here to rest my eyes for a bit.
Monday. (Don't think about it, there's lots to do.)
Tuesday. (Stop it.)
Wednesday 3:32pm:
"Full field digital, 2D/C-view and 3D tomographic images were obtained and reviewed on a soft copy workstation. Images were evaluated with computer aided R2 Image Checker software (CAD) and compared to prior exams (when available).
blah, blah, blah...
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| Self-portrait. 2022. |
IMPRESSION:
RIGHT BREAST: There is no mammographic evidence of malignancy. Routine screening mammography in 1 year is recommended.
LEFT BREAST: There is no mammographic evidence of malignancy. Routine screening mammography in 1 year is recommended. The patient was sent a letter with the results of their mammogram communicated in laypersons terms."
Long sigh.
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